BB and PPD

I can recall one year ago right around this time. It was about 5 days post partum from Lily's birth and I was sitting on the couch next to Jordan as we were watching a movie. I remember having these feelings going through my whole body that were so foreign - anxiety, nervousness, sadness, guilt and anticipation. I couldn't slow them down or quiet them. So as I sat there, feeling as if there was something wrong with me that I should be able to control I leaned over and looked to Jordan saying "My mind is not right."

He looked quizzical and asked me what I had meant. I am not an outwardly emotional person in general. By that, I mean that I don't cry a lot, I don't get teary eyed when I watch movies, I don't go into PMS rages. This must have taken him by surprise because I am usually not an anxious, sad, weepy girl.

I was experiencing post partum depression. 

It was Hell. Really, I think of what the opposite of Heaven must feel like and it must feel 100 times what I felt during post partum. Forever.

I endured severe mental anguish, where I literally felt like I was a prisoner in my mind. As if someone had hijacked my sanity and I was left with sadness and guilt. I cried everyday, multiple times a day. My Mom and little sister were staying with me at that time (Jordan had gone back to work) and I would go outside to cry so they wouldn't know just how often I was breaking down. I began calling every women I knew that had babies to see if they had gone through the same thing (most had). I researched and read up on just how common baby blues and post partum depression were - very!

Whew - I was normal.

After about 10 days, the feelings begin to ease, relax and slowly leave my mind. Right around two weeks, I was back to my normal mind. I had control over what thoughts/emotions/feelings I would want to feel. What a wonderful feeling it was to feel in control of my mind.

I learned a few things during that experiece:
1. I gained sympathy, compassion, understanding for those who suffer from mental illnesses on a daily basis.
2. I learned to talk about my depression (even though there is a negative connotation associated with it) to people other than just my immeadiate family. It was humbling to reach out to others for emotional help and support.
3. I gained a greater appreciated for Jordan because he stood by me to hold my hand, dry my tears, hold me and tell me to just get it out. He never downplayed or underestimated the depression I was feeling.
4. I realized no one had ever talked about post partum depression or baby blues to me. One friend, had briefly mentioned it to me but it didn't click - although I did reach out to her later on!!
5. I vowed to always reach out to others during the delicate weeks of post partum. To be there with a meal, a smile and time to chat if they wanted.

I have now become an advocate for PPD and baby blues. Whenever one of my friends are having their first baby, I always mention very briefly and sweetly - if you begin to feel like your mind is not your own, it's okay, it's normal and give me a call if you want to chat about it. I survived it and I am still smiling :)