Post Lactation Life

Now that I am no longer pumping, I have noticed a significant hormonal shift. One that I did not experience when I completed my breastfeeding career with Lily.

I am feeling early pregnancy symptoms (Note: I am not pregnant). Nausea, tiredness, bloating, headaches, back aches. On top of those symptoms, I noticed depression sneaking back into my mind. It was hard for me to notice it, in the moment versus retrospectively looking back and thinking 'Yes, I was depressed'. But it's undeniable. This is my third experience with depression but it's different than the kind I have right after I give birth.

I could not believe it was happening. After such a crappy lacation experience with Rob, I could not believe this was the aftermath of trying to give my baby the best nutrition possible. Depression!?! Really?!

It's numbing. It makes smiling hard. It makes talking about happy things challenging. It changes my temper. It distorts logic and inserts illogic. It makes me feel an uncontrollable sadness that no matter how hard I try, I cannot push it away. I feel like a bad mother when I am depressed. It's the depression that whispers these negative thoughts. It says.. 'feel disgusted about my post partum body'. It's heavy. Oh so very heavy and I cannot wait for the doors of this mental prison to be opened.

I am, however, very grateful that it's not as severe as my post partum depression is. With PPD I uncontrollably cry for hours (like 6 or more) a day. All of the above symtpoms are exaggerated times ten when I have PPD. But either way, depression is horrible.

As I goggled my symptoms last night, I found that this is a common occurance in women - to feel early pregnancy symptoms and depression. It all hinges on the shift in hormones that change after lactation is complete. Specifically, the hormone prolactin which is responsible for lactation. It also gives a 'feel good' sensation to the whole body while lactating. As I read further, most women felt these symptoms go away after a couple of weeks, once the body was able to re adjust to a normal flow of hormones.

Thank goodness.

Hormones - so essential, so powerful and so challenging.